Last night I secured my free Ozzfest tickets for Phoenix. The extravaganza is scheduled for Tuesday, July 24th at Cricket Pavilion starting at high noon.

The big question is, "Will Davewillie be in attendance?"

The answer is, "Are you f$&#ing nuts?"

Only a mental midget would go to ANY outdoor concert in The Valley of the Sun during the summer. The average high for that date is only 104 and the record is 114. (It's a dry heat. Yeah, right! Keep telling yourself that fairy tale.) The all-time record high of 122 in Phoenix was set the day my son flew here from Wisconsin on June 26, 1990. It was so hot the runways and tarmac at Sky Harbor started to melt!

No, you won't catch me at Ozzfest this year (or any other year, for that matter). Look for my tickets on eBay unless I give them away. I will be luxuriating in A/C and speculating on how many brainiacs will be overcome by the sweltering heat to be carted off to the nearest emergency room.

Unfortunately, if you're not an illegal in Arizona, California or any of the other 48 states, the odds of getting seen by a doctor before you stroke out are less than meeting Alice Cooper at Circle K.